Happily ever after

Do you know like in the movies, when you are like, I don’t buy it, no one can ever be that happy… and then she dies in a terrible accident and you think to yourself: I knew it, no one is ever this happy.

Well, that was me. The dying lady.

Ironic remarks, empty compliments, empty Sundays and empty bottles.

It was cool, the drama was exciting, the craziness was attractive.

But him, he was exquisite.

I met him on Valentine’s, what a cheesy day for such a sharp pen. So I never wrote about it. I swiped to meet him, so not movie-like that I thought it was meant to end. Soon. Sooner rather than later.

But it has been 15 exact months since I saw him for the first time. Walking to me, crossing a diagonal where he instructed his cab to stop, just cause he could pronounce the street properly. I was on the phone, to the bank, and paid just enough attention.

Enough.

I said it was not a date, I said we would just have street food and go home. So we did. But… we never really went home. That night completely changed the definition of home. Changed the world.

Only took 36 days for the world to go the craziest it has ever been. And after being together for a month, we were physically apart for two. And still, to you, my beloved and abandoned readers… you know how much I loved dates. Still, we had the best dates, separated by laws, curfews, politics, pandemics and never-ending 2-week-periods.

******

I was sitting there, finding the inspiration to write, as I watched the Patagonia sunset, he opened the window and walked to me.

Sat next to me on the bench and said: how come you are outside without me?

He sat right next to me and kiss my forehead. Then kissed my lips. Then smiled and looked at me with those perfect blue eyes.

I am writing, I kind of found inspiration after a year. Feeling like everything (I ever had to write or live) brought me to this exact moment here. – I said.

And once again, he smiled and kissed me.

Viole ran from the cabin towards us and jumped to the bench.

I got it. I’ve got it guys, finally, my happy ending.

A fresh page

“I like that song because it says the city screams his name, or her name, for me that was it… San Francisco has his name all over the place”

“Well, a bank has his name…”

And we both laughed. I miss that, friends analyzing me. And sometimes me reading within their lines. A beer or a tea, two chairs and a chat.

I miss those interactions, cause the balcony feels so lonely without them. I bet if it could speak, it would ask me about you guys, about the million laughs and stories. Cause it only sees me and a million cigarettes now. I almost forgot about music too.

But I thought that somehow, I was not alone anymore. Cause this is not how the world works, right?

*****

But damn, the world does work like this. Everyone in this planet works the same way.

They come, they go. They laugh and lie.

I thought, also, a deep breath and a clean start could change it all. That no one else would say that. But all of the sudden, unspoken words told me again, that I would ever be that: the girl that is too much.

The pandemic stole March from us and April flew like a butterfly, like running away from us. Locked and seeing the sun from a window, pretending the new normal was ok, that we will be fine. That we will survive. And I can survive, but we may not.

Every time you said that your new life hasn’t started yet, I wondered again and again which life I belong to. Also, do we get the chance to have multiple lives? And when will my new life begin?

How many times did I find myself asking me about the end? How was I going to screw it up? When were they going to be the same?

Swiping and moving to find the newness again?

But when one would keep me awake and spinning around the room and I pushed it away, was I just trying to prove me wrong?

I think I was. I think you were.

So, as the morning found me awake and watching the ceiling. Thinking about that text message I got years ago telling me that I may be too much. The absence of the spark. All those messed up months. Walking around the world, literally, trying to find a meaning to all that lost love and unintended cruelty.

I don’t have a million speeches saved, they are all here. Waiting to be read. Waiting for the one I won’t write about. Looking at my reflection, and saying once again: all these fears will die all along.

****

And what if the designated best man is not that but just a man?

And what if I am not as special as I think I am and I am just another girl?

Would you take me anyway?

Would you be ok with just a man and just a girl?

Cause I may stop trying not to be too much.

So you should stop trying to be the best man.

El amor en tiempos del Coronavirus

I think we all know that this is not the best of times for single people, cause love is quarantined too. But no one told us yet. 

How are people supposed to fall in love within 4 walls? That is also something that we won’t be able to spread.

But as far as I am concerned, I feel like trapped in an Alanis Morissette song. I spent three long years searching and desperately looking for a good one. And then, one afternoon in September, without knowing, I met one. 

It took months to actually know it and so many questions to make sure we were both in this together. And we were.  

I may talk about this story one day, but not today.

So now, how can we actually make love happen without making it? How are we gonna save the world every day?

Destiny is rolling the dice with us, and I don’t know about you, but I am scared. I am afraid that this is the end of the world as we know it, this is the end of love as we know it.

We can all say that shutting down life for two weeks will make the difference, but will it only be two weeks? How long are we going to be scared to be social, to hug, to kiss, to meet new people, to let them in?

…..

I know we will get over this one, you and I, and the world. But I am scared about being scared. Would it most likely end in just detached citizens? 

And what could be cuddles and kisses at the coach, is you through a screen telling me how busy you are. And instead of me dancing around the city, showing you my favorite spots and showing you off in general, is me being paranoid and locked.

There is no remote way of loving, I was never a fan of long-distance relationships (actually never had one) and now… we are all long distance. You, me, my mum, my friends. All of us are having long-distance relationships now, cause the world is forcing us to.

So, this is just a message to all of you out there, the love lovers: I won’t be able to write about dramatic dates or love stories. Mainly cause I was actually happy for some time and also cause I won’t even be able to hear about those stories not from my friends, not from anyone. Especially not from my own mind.

But still, just hang on cause love will save us all, also from this one.

Love for the world, love love love.

The day I dated a zombie.

Books and novels will be and were always written based on timing. And how it complicates it all.

The girl meets the future husband just when his best friend realizes he loves her, the couple meets when one of them at their honeymoon… the girl meets the guy when he just broke up a seven and a half year relationship. Timing, books, drama, life, love.

But when they meet, they meet. And nothing can change. Nothing will ever be the same. And from sad songs to romantic comedies, it all comes to a conclusion: love happens.

At the weirdest moment, in the worst conditions ever, at the most lovely place, everywhere. Quoting my favorite movie: love is all around us. And sometimes (or a lot of times) it just catches us.

It usually catches us weak and nonchalant. Thinking we can manage and we can manipulate it. The good news is that we can, we can push love away, we can push people away.

Miles, blocks away, begging for the time it will be over.

Self-reflection and beers, valentines and timing again.

San Francisco, Amsterdam, London, Dublin, Buenos Aires… love is everywhere. We can push it away, but it will come with us, wherever we go.

Stories that should be finished and stories that should start right away. Something will take the pain away. Something is always in the process of happening.

I am that girl, standing in the middle of the field, smiling and waiting for you to take my hand and dance with me.

Open space, empty city, one in a million. And with every step you take closer to me, you know it a bit more. You know that you should stay. You know me more than you should or more than you wanted to.

I will let you take the lead but I will catch you through it all.

We have one picture together, and that will forever be there, as a constant reminder that love is everywhere, again. From 1917 to 2020, some things don’t change.

I used to think you can’t just like someone and decide not to be around, cause you cannot manage feelings. But you actually can and maybe that is what will forever keep us apart.

I know that it was wrong from me to try to force you to hug me and tell me everything will be ok, cause you actually can’t. We can’t make any promises right now.

But just so you know, I don’t think you will be my ultimate love story, but you were a beautiful one. A perfect memory. The nicest green eyes I will ever look at. And then everything is ok. I am ok and happy, and I wish you the best.

I don’t really know what will happen the day you find yourself and you actually realize what you want for you. Cause I already know what I want.

And as summer ends, the city gets a bit greyer and you won’t be here. And that is also ok, cause you don’t belong here.

You belong to one of these posts, one of these magnificent stories with no additional condiments.

No castles or planes, just a nice person that came around just in time.

Goodbye J, you changed everything.

To my friends.

We were sitting at the beach, my friends, yours, life and strangers: beautiful skinny strangers.

-You know I am not like these girls, right?

-Yeah of course I know, you are my girl.

So I shut up and turned on my mind and my million thoughts. Did he know what I was trying to say? Do I know what I was trying to say?

Bikini bodies all over us, smiling and eating. Like all those things would be so easy to keep in the same sentence. And I was silent, mentally comparing me to them all the time. Wondering once again why he would like to be with me, I passed the cookies to someone else, cause eating and feeling insecure never go together.

Looking towards the sea, why can’t I ever enjoy what I have? Why can’t I ever see the things my friends see in me? I have the list, I go through the list every day trying to convince me that I am those things.

When the closest thing you have to a family (apart from your real one) keeps telling you how much you mean, how much they love you, how cool and awesome you are.

When you have the coolest kid, who is still a kid and probably not the best plan for 30-something people and still, they want her around, they want her there and they love her… deep down you know, she is totally loveable, but they love her cause they love you.

Cause I look at the mirror, I look deep inside my mind and I don’t see it: I don’t see the list. But I am working so hard on them to be my mirror, on believing on what they say and just enjoy all the wonderful things I have.

Cause they catch me, even before I fall… I am lucky enough to have them all around, gathering together and telling me they want to be there to help, not cause they have to but cause they want to. So madly.

They are my prince with the white horse, they are the fairytale and I am learning to see it. Deep inside, I know I can only save myself… but once I do, they will throw the feast for me.

January came and went, so fast and raw. It found me sitting at the table of my favorite bar in Brooklyn opening my heart and crying. Telling my friend how broken I was deep inside, how hard it was for me to talk about it for more than a decade and I was finally able to open up.

That desperate need to be liked, to be loved, to be the chatty smiley girl. And my body one day saying: you know what, I can’t handle it anymore. Today you won’t even be able to leave the room or smile, or talk or be that barbie you want to be.

Still, when I left the room, they were there. Taking me back with all my demons and all my shit.

And it will rain for a while, life will cut me from the core a couple of times more before I actually become a butterfly. But I know now, I have that inside me, and I just need to let it shine.

I won’t have to smile through the whole way, I will cry a river before it happens. But every time I need back up, I have it. And I love it. And I love you for that.

Cause those who take you, as you are, and stick there. Those are the real ones, the ones you have to hold on to.

And I was still at the beach, thinking… and you could see the rollercoaster of thoughts going through my head.

So you grabbed my hand, you were sitting right next to me all that time and I didn’t even notice:

-I know what you meant, if only you stop that pretty little mind and realize we all want to be with you and not with “all those girls”. Those girls that are probably cool and we don’t really know, but still, we do know you and we want you. I want you.

And for the first time, I started to see it.

Delight, just there.

Long time no see you

Perdón, me equivoqué. Una vez más dije cosas que no eran verdad. Siempre pensé que nos decíamos la verdad y que con vos todo era honestidad.

Que por honestidad terminamos. Que por decirnos la verdad y no querer lastimarnos no nos vimos más. Que la realidad a gritos fue la que creo un muro entre nosotros.

Nos lastimamos igual.

Pero con vos, no me obesioné. Porque nos decíamos todo. Porque no había secretos.

Porque tenía miedo de verte, de leerte, de soñarte. Te borré completamente.

Me olvide de las cosas que me dijiste, me olvidé de las cosas que nos dijimos.

Me olvidé de Nueva York, me olvidé de Colonia y la noche más larga en pleno invierno, me olvide de todo: menos de esa mañana en mi sillón.

Esa mañana en la que pensé que venías a verme para empezar algo y lo único que hiciste fue romper todo, romperme en mil pedazos.

Me olvidé de las cosas que me contaste, de la tarde en el museo, de la noche en el bar llena de vino y miradas cómplices.

Me olvidé de todo, porque cuando te fuiste esa mañana me dijiste que no querías verme más, para no hacerme lo mismo que a ella.

No sé que hiciste con ella o si te funcionó. Conmigo sí. Cada palabra que dijiste nos alejó un poco… y dijiste miles.

Te pedí que no lo hagas, te pedí que no vengas a decirme nada que terminara con lo que teníamos. Pero no te importó, viniste igual, dijiste todo lo que tenías que decir para sentirte mejor.

¿Te sentiste mejor? Porque yo no.

Dejaste pasar el tiempo, los meses. Mi enojo se transformó en… nada. No te pensé, no te extrañé, no te escribí. Asumí que estaba creciendo. Que por fin estaba entendiendo como funcionaba el mundo.

Me mostraste que no que no sólo los desconocidos lastimaban, que para estar lost in translation no era necesario hablar diferentes idiomas. Juntaste argumentos durante más de un mes, sin decirme nada, para venir y largar todo junto. En una catársis de ideas y quejas de las que yo no tenía por qué ser parte. Pero fui.

Me desarmaste en un millón de piezas, que me costo mucho entender. Y armar en silencio, lejos tuyo.

Fuiste la única persona que me lastimó en esos largos 12 meses. Apagando las luces de esos cortos momentos que compartimos, llenos de risas y malbec.

Y como una mancha de vino en mi remera favorita, nunca te fuiste… Simplemente te guardé al fondo del estante. Latente, escondido, arruinado.

¿Medio año ya pasó?

Yo no te invité a salir de ese lugar, ¿o sí?

Yo no volví a sacarte del placard.

Estabas bien ahí. Tengo ropa nueva, que duele menos y esta vacía de recuerdos, lista para sorprenderme.

Quedate ahí.

No vengas.

.

Perdoname, me equivoqué.

Vos y yo, no vamos a ser amigos.

Vos y yo no vamos a ser nada o vamos a ser todo.

Y algo me dice, que la nada nos queda mejor.

American Eagle

I will just go wherever as long as there is AC involved.

I said casually in the chat. 

You know, I am very good at reading the signals. I consciously decide to ignore them most times. But with you, most of the date was like a puzzle and I can’t stay concentrated in puzzles. I am anxious.

Rain, a very hot afternoon and American football. I am not sure if everything I was saying was ok or extremely wrong, I just know your friend kept pointing at me and you for some reason. And you were completely off the conversation. 

But somehow, maybe cause I did shots: I thought it was worth staying and showing you my favorite spot. I was not really sure if you wanted to stay with me or go home. Again, lost. 

We finally got to seat closer and you occasionally touched me a couple of times, maybe it was time for a kiss? 

I have a thing with being the first one to kiss,  I just needed to find out if, behind those blue eyes and blonde curls, there was also a spark. 

You said you wanted to steal someone else’s date, and you got it, you just did not show up. You asked me to meet you 24 hours later and never said where. You said you wanted to see me, but you left without a warning.

Am I gonna be standing in Central Station waiting for a train that is never gonna come? 

Cause it is going to be cold and lonely. 

Goodbye but nice to meet you. Goodbye and remember, pictures won´t do it. 

_____

And as we sat at some Bryant Park´s entrance stairs deciding which would be the best option for that afternoon, I said I didn´t care. I said all I wanted was the company, the book, and the kiss.

I told you I was there 6 months ago, thinking something was just starting. Tight black jeans and very white sneakers. I smiled behind my glasses, covering half of my face with a book and added: there is always something ending and something starting in all of us, but all I want to do now is read and hold your hand. 

NY´s cold weather pointed us to a busy coffee shop on 6th Avenue, I walked very fast and ordered two Americanos, cause I like the irony of it. I joked that I was not sure where that coffee was from, cause maybe it was from before your country stole the continent name. You pulled my hair and kiss me so I would shut up. 

You knew about my fear of falling, I know about your attachment to certain cities. We finished the first couple of cups and silently realized about the current situation.

-So, I am leaving in an hour.

-Yeap, at least this time I know it.

I didn´t really want to be dramatic about it, I didn´t even want to find myself there. We walked a bit more, I told you a lot more stories about all the times I was there before. I know you were not talking much, cause you are not the sharing type. 

-Do you know that Zelda and Scott Fitzgerald lived in NYC before moving to Paris? Maybe we should just stay here and never leave, be like them.

-I think we would need a bit more talent to be them. 

-Oh boy, don´t you know I am a writer?

 

Humpty Dumpty

4.30AM

white sheets and dutch candies. how is it possible that the world can change so much in just a couple of hours?

how come we were holding hands at lunch and ignoring each other at tea time?

I haven’t slept in days. I just wanted every second of you.

Even when it is weird, I watched you sleep for many hours, and you looked cute.

Last night found me lost in translation again, but I didn´t care… cause every time I thought that I wasnt´s quite following anyone, I realized I didn’t need to. You were the one I wanted to follow and this time, you were just there.

I played my part, and you played yours and again, just like 6 months ago, we were the cutest couple sitting at the table. I wish I could have held your hand the whole time, I wish I could connect more with your world, I wish we just had one more night.

I wish I could be the girl that you are allowed to be affectionate with, that girl who you can kiss and culture does not apply.

I want endless saturdays with you, even when we are tired and just laying in bed, you are still my favorite view.

–

5.15 AM

Honestly, I don’t really care about understanding it all or paying a million drinks… I just want to be with you when I am with you.

But sundays always come, and I hate them.

I thought about this sunday morning for months and months, how cruel it is to wait more than a hundred days to see someone, then see them for 24 hours… and it is gone. You are not gone yet but we are, I was gone many hours before I actually said goodbye.

And all the times you asked me if I was ok, what was I thinking, if I wanted to talk:  I just said I was tired… but you know I was not. I just could not help but realize that we had a timer on and it was about to ring.

—

7.05AM

I want to think this is not the last time we talk.

I wanna believe we will find a place, somewhere, someday, where passports don’t exist and where we will be able to hold hands every day. Not having to hurry or care about what time the sunset is, cause actually, we´ll have a million.

——

9.35 AM

It is sad, so very sad to say goodbye to the good ones.

Cause good ones never wait.

Cause I can’t have you haunting me, cause I don´t wanna haunt you.

I would never do that to you, I would never take a year away from you. I would not do that to you again.

 

2019, I love you.

Two years ago, I came back to this blog.

Hopeless, broke, sad. And I wrote my first  ‘new age’ post: Fuck you 2017.

It was my momentum; I thought. I was ripped out and destroyed. Weaker than ever. Trying to find who I was, ten years too late.

But then I met you. Funny and caring, sassy and bitchy, lovely and dramatic.

I liked her.

You have a kid, you manage. She is is you and you are her.  If she has a camp with 20 random things on the list, you will survive.

No one really knows you, but anyway, you are so transparent. No one really has to know, right?

So hey, Carli, I like you. I like the new you and the shitty old you that ended up being here.

Cause guys are cool and love will eventually come around. But we can make great things together. And we don’t really need anyone else.

I learned how to be single and the key is liking it. Liking you. Liking her. Enjoying it all. Choosing who you should spend your time with. And not every single hot asshole is worth it.

I am happy I met you, cause I met me.

2019, I love you, cause I love me.

The princess and the dick.

There is a world of words I can teach you, just hold me tight and I will.

.

Sometimes there is way more stuff to learn than grammar. Most times what I should actually be correcting is the way people treat people and not their past tenses.

Coffees and playgrounds, endless dates and lies. I learned this from Harry Potter when I was less than 16: one must not tell lies.

I tell Viole all the time, if you are nice to people, people will be nice to you. But here you have, the biggest lie. People are not nice, and if you are nice baby, you will just be constantly told: you may be too much. 

Too much… too much, what does that even mean? Does it mean that I have no synthesis skills and cause I write a lot, I AM a lot? Is it because I actually answer your questions? Is it because I am happy to help? Is it because I make plans and I stand by them? Is it because if I say I´ll be there, I´ll actually be there?

.

Carli, he is a walking red flag. Wake up. 

.

I will never wake up. I ended up being like the worst princess in history, I am the sleepy one. 

Wasn´t it nice when you heard my stories and realized that I was a real person and not just 5 pictures?

Didn´t you consider that when I talked about how much I hated the sense of the constant need of newness in the world actually meant that I would not be into being told I was just another chick in your list?

 

It hurts, every inch of my body hurts. 

I just wanted to show you

how someone could actually care about you

and your things

and who you really are.

Even after picking you of a random word

on a random day

in a silly app.

And even when that would haven´t have changed a thing,

I don´t regret being me.

I don´t regret smiling behind nerd glasses,

or kissing you for the first time.

 

I do regret the last one, 

I do regret going from nice to stupid.

And for the first time, in a long time

I won´t say thank you, next.

I will say: thank you, get lost.